Sermon preached at St. Alban's, Spirit Lake, on July 21 & 22, 2007
(Proper 11, Eighth Sunday after Pentecost, Year C, BCP Lectionary)
by the Rev. Carl D. Mann

Texts:   Genesis 18:1-10a(10b-14)
Psalm 15
Colossians 1:21-29
Luke 10:38-42

When a couple comes to me seeking Holy Matrimony, one of the requirements is that we meet together for premarital counseling. One of the first things I like to do is give the prospective couple a copy of a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a book about communication within relationships with special emphasis on marriage.

Although I give an overview of the book and why it is important, it is up to them to read it, and discuss it between themselves outside of our counseling. It is an easy read, grounded in Holy Scripture, but does not use an in-your-face format. When I first discovered this book in seminary, I promised myself that I would make sure that every couple that I married had a copy. I whole-heartedly recommend it to any couple who is dating, courting, planning to get married, or have been married for any length of time.

The principle of the book is that Dr. Chapman has discovered that there are essentially five different “languages” by which we communicate our love one to another, either on the giving end or the receiving. Now I am not just talking about that butterflies-in-the-gut type of love that one feels when they are first hit with the lightning bolt. I am talking about a God-like love, a committed type of love that keeps you from bolting out the door the first time you realize that the butterflies are gone and there is a stranger living in the house and sitting across from you at the breakfast table.

Nearly everyone wants to be loved. It’s the way that we are wired. But each of us wants to be loved in a specific manner, and we respond favorably when someone communicates their love for us in that manner or language as he calls them. Dr. Chapman has identified these different languages as quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. So for example, let’s say that a person’s language of love is words of affirmation. In order for that person to truly know and feel that their spouse loves them beyond any doubt, they need to hear their spouse say things like, “That was the best cake you have ever baked” or “I think that you are the most loving father a child could have.” The words affirm that person in relation to who they are or what they do as well as to the person with whom they are in relationship. The same thing would apply to someone whose language is gifts. They would know that they are loved when they receive something from the other. We’re not talking about jewelry or cars or other high end items. It could be a fresh picked flower, or a hand-made item or a book. The fact that someone gave them something tells them that they are loved.

Now it’s important to know several things. First, the way that we prefer to individually receive love is in all probability different from that of our better half. So we shouldn’t presume to show our love for them in the same way that we wish to receive it and then go off and pout, wondering why they don’t love us when they don’t respond favorably. We have to know what their language is so that we can show our love for them in a way to which they will be receptive.

This leads to the second thing of importance: in addition to our primary language of love, we will have a secondary language as well, and hopefully our secondary language will be or will become that of our mate’s primary language. If each of us is “bi-lingual”; knowing, understanding, and able to speak our spouse’s primary language, then we have a better chance of knowing that clear communication is taking place between us and our relationship will continue to grow stronger every day.

The third thing of importance is to be aware that as we grow older and experience the changes that occur in life such as a career change, health issues, or children to name just a few, our primary language may change. So let’s say that our spouse’s primary language is acts of service whereby they know we love them by the little things that we do to help them out and we have been showing our love in this way for many years, but lately it seems that no matter what we do it isn’t done right or fast enough. Chances are good that their language has changed for some reason. Instead of feeling bewildered or think that they don’t love us anymore this would be an opportunity to communicate with them and find out what has changed in their lives and why.

Now this is a very simplistic overview of the book but the basic idea is for a couple to stay in full, loving communication with each other from which will grow a deeper commitment in the fulfillment of their marriage vows.

I think this is what Jesus is hinting at in today’s Gospel. No, I am not suggesting that there is any notion of matrimony between Jesus and either one of the sisters but there is a relationship between Jesus and the individual members of this family. We know that Martha, Mary, their brother Lazarus or the village of Bethany in which they live are referenced in some form in all four Gospels. But in this particular instance, Jesus has stopped by on his way to Jerusalem, and it says that Martha received him into her house. Now Martha is all business and takes her role very seriously. As the implied matron of this household, she makes sure that her guest is treated in the traditional hospitable manner, and as a woman in this day and age, she guarantees this hospitality by doing all of the serving while the men recline at table. However, she is just a tad irritated with her sister who is behaving in a most improper if not inappropriate manner. Instead of helping her with the serving as would be expected, Mary is sitting at the foot of Jesus’ couch, listening intently to everything he is saying.

Now it’s possible that at any other time, Jesus may have supported Martha’s complaint but remember, he has set his face to go to Jerusalem. His life has changed. He knows that his time is drawing to a close. And apparently, Mary has sensed something about his demeanor and knows that things are different, too. She is not so bold has to recline at the table with the men yet she is drawn to Jesus’ presence and to every word that comes from his mouth and is content to sit behind him quietly and unobtrusively.

Aside from cultural roles, perhaps Martha is the type of person who feels loved when somebody helps with little acts of service, and right now, she is feeling slighted or unloved because Mary, her own sister, is not assisting her in serving. Or perhaps because Martha feels loved in this manner, she believes that everyone would or should feel the same way. Right now she is feeling slighted because Jesus is not receptive to her. He is obviously paying more attention to Mary by allowing her to remain in his presence instead of rebuking her for crossing cultural boundaries.

But Jesus’ life is different. Where he may have felt more love in the past by being the recipient of acts of service he now requires quality time from those who truly love him. He has a lot to say and lot to do before he goes to the Cross and not a lot of time left, so every second, and every minute is precious in his eyes. So if Mary wants to bend the rules a bit in order to listen to what he says, that’s fine with Jesus because it’s the exact expression of love that he needs in this particular moment. It’s not that Martha’s love and gifts of hospitality are wrong but right now she is putting her needs before the Lord’s needs. And Jesus has been very consistent these past few weeks in stating that if anyone wants to be his disciple they have got to prioritize their lives by placing God at the head before anything or anyone else. If we do this one thing all other things will fall into place. And this is exactly what Mary has done.

All of the five languages are good because they have their source in Love, and God is Love. There will be times in our lives when any one of the five languages will be appropriate to give to or to receive from those with who we are in close relationship. But I would suggest that in our relationship with the Lord, there is need of only one thing, and that one thing is quality time. He wishes to love us in this way and he wishes to be loved in this way. This will always be the better part from which all other languages of love will grow and like Mary; it shall never be taken away from us. So let us take the time to focus on that one thing.

Gloria Patri